Hopefully this little tale will not be too graphic for your eyes nor freak you out too much, but you know how I am and you know I just say it. No beating around the bush anymore like I used to do.. it’s just how it is and how it was. SO here goes….
Part of the reason that I stopped writing about a year and half ago was because I didn’t know how to exactly word certain things or think for a second that anyone would understand what I am saying. Especially, because I ramble and I type like I talk. So I’m hoping that once I get into some of these stories that I can paint the picture in your head like you are standing there watching this story unfold like it’s a movie or you’re a fly on the wall in the tales of my life. My life as I get older I seem to forget and that’s partially why I am writing this, I think everyone has stories about their lives that make you who you are today. They make sense of why criminals are who they are or why good people with normal upbringings sometimes snap out of reality or why people become drug users or alcoholics ect. So with that being said as I venture forward again with this thing (no promises how long between entries- I’m just going to try to do this when I’m in the mood and I have time to type this down without the daily distractions of school or work or Kevin or my kids or life in general etc.
This story jumps back to when I was 5 or so. And I am going to change the names to protect the innocents of the other kids involved and change the story so that if people from my neck of the woods by chance get a hold of my memories one day they will not be embarrassed by my plights and how they held certain points in my life. BUT this story is about the birds and the bees. The curiosity some of us endured as children and how we acted it out to solve the mysteries that we had in our little heads. But when I was just a wee sprig of grass growing up in the foothills of rural Kentucky in Cedar Grove – most of the time I played by myself. All the kids that lived around us that were my age I saw in church or at school. The only kids my age that would come to my house at that time were cousins for the most part. The kids my age all lived too far for us to simply travel by bike or walking to get too. So most of the time I played by myself. I made us silly little games with toys, mainly my adventures were walking thru the woods or playing on the railroad tracks placing coins on the tracks for the train to flatten. Or hanging out in my great grandparents barn yard playing with the animals there. So when I saw other kids my age I was pretty much shy for the beginning of my school years. Bruce and Linda both had their own agendas and frankly I didn’t really like Bruce at all growing up, I was his punching bag most of the time and Linda was always gone to the neighbor’s house up the road to play because our house sucked.
Well at some point in my kindergarten years we had neighbors that moved into a trailer just across the way from our house. The girl who was a year older than myself, Aggie was her name (not really her name) and she had a brother named Nathan (not really his name) and my Mom was friends with their Mother. SO this meant that we would have more and more company over and eventually we all became play dates. Aggie, Nathan and I used to play everything and anything whenever we could. They were actually very good kids, I on the other hand wasn’t exactly that good because for the most part I could do whatever I wanted during day because both my parents worked and when I got home from school I was on my own for a couple of hours because Linda (even though) she was supposed to be watching me, could careless what or where I went or what I was doing. But I never crossed the road, I knew that would lead to a beating and half. SO I stayed on my side of the road and played in the woods behind my house (RAMBLING I KNOW)…. anywho… one day we were forced to play Barbie and Kens with Aggie. Nathan didn’t really want too, but I was game for anything. I never got to see Barbies before – Linda’s dolls were all mutilated from Bruce burning their hair off or cutting her arms off etc. and she was too old for dolls now, she was a teenager. Aggie got a new dollhouse for Barbie for her birthday and new dolls so we were playing make-believe in her doll house when she decided that it was time for them to go to sleep. Barbie was sleeping with both Kens (slut). She had sleeping clothes for both Barbie and one Ken. So we started getting them naked when I saw that Barbie had boobies like my Mom and Aggie’s Mom did but she didn’t have a wee wee down there to pee with. This confuse me and Nathan beyond end. Everyone has to have a wee wee to pee with, it’s how we draw in the snow, it’s how we do urinal races at school in the urinal trough (all the boys would take turns holding their penises in their hands squeezing really tight so not to pee, and we would line up at the urinal on one side – one by one and see who could pee the farthest down the trough – I usually one! I was the pee champion, I would hold it until it hurt me!) Back to the dolls. Aggie began explaining something that didn’t make much sense to me and Nathan but she was older than us and she was born before Nathan and saw her Mom change his diapers many times. She was not only in first grade, but she was a rocket scientist or something for being able to explain these things to us. She also knew that if we got caught doing what we were about to do we would all get into some serious trouble…. anyway, after searching and searching for Barbie’s little wee wee and listening to her bitch about knowing everything about wee wees -she was telling us that Barbie is a girl, girls don’t have wee wees – they have butts in the front like they do in the back and Mommy calls it a hoo-ha. WTF? Mind you, I watched a lot of teevee and stuff but I thought the only thing that made a girl a girl was the fact that they had boobs and men didn’t. We weren’t allowed to look at, reach out to or much less touch girl’s boobies. It’s not right! After about 5 minutes of explaining and us getting too loud with our beliefs, me feeling myself thru my pants making sure I didn’t have a butt in the front – this horror story was about to become a reality. Aggie told me and Nathan to go in the closet and take off all our clothes while Aggie went to see where her Mom was. Now because we were whispering at this point – it made it very exciting for me and Nathan because it was something ADULTS WEREN’T SUPPOSE TO KNOW! So Nathan and I went into the closet. It’s the first time in my life I remember actually SEEING THE WEE WEE – Sure I saw them at school at the urinal races but we all had our hands in front of them, they didn’t just hang there we were clinching the little suckers till they were purple waiting our turns to pee and not paying attention the wee wees at all, we were watching the pee! Anyway, Nathan and I were naked and we were saying each of our’s was bigger that the others. We even touched each others wee wee without paying attention to the fact that a DUDE WAS TOUCHING MY WEE WEE!! We didn’t care. It was rather interesting. So interesting that we were enthralled with each other when Aggie opened the door we jerked our hands back from each other so fast you would have thought it was our Mothers, she said … SCARED YA !! HAHA!! She still had clothes on too. That little bitch tricked us. We started getting dressed and she started nagging us about what she just saw. “I saw your Wieners (as she called it). I’m telling Mom that ya’ll are in here naked as blue jays hiding in my closet touching each other’s wieners!” OMG I thought as my little mind snapped back to the reality that THIS NAKED’NESS is probably very wrong and my Mom and Dad are going to beat me when Aggie spills the beans on us.” I remember my mind going a mile a minute thinking of the switching I was going to get for doing something soooooooo bad. Nathan and I quickly jumped up and put our clothes on in the nick of time when Aggie’s Mom opened her bedroom door and said that my Mom was yelling for me to come home and it was time for me to go. I looked with anticipation at Aggie and Nathan praying that nothing would ever come of it and as far as I know, the secret was never relinquished from her fat mouth.
I reckon a couple of weeks later we were once again playing Barbies with her because it was raining and we couldn’t be outside. WE were doing the whole menage a’ trois thing with Barbie and the two Kens all over again when Nathan got pissed off at Aggie for something and I remember him getting up and storming out of the room slamming the door. He didn’t come back for quite a while either. Aggie seized this moment – grabbed my hand and stuck it down her pants – JUST LIKE THAT! No warning signs – no anything. She leaned over – she whispered in my ear “that’s a hoo-ha – consider yourself all grown up now, you know the difference between boys and girls!”. She then kissed me on the lips, I pulled my hand out of her panties, a bit traumatized by both the kiss and the fact that I just touched her front butt crack and I didn’t have any freaking warning at all!” I got up – said something to the effect of “Don’t YOU EVER kiss me again and don’t you ever make me think about your hoo-ha again! That’s nasty!” – I went out into the front room of the trailer, didn’t say goodbye to anyone and didn’t even bother to put on my shoes and just left. Walked home in the rain in my sock feet hypnotized by the trauma of the hoo-ha and that I had actually felt one. I wanted to scream. I remember that walk home like it was yesterday because of all my young years I do not remember ever being as pissed off as I was. I stopped by mud puddles and washed my hands like a million times. I just kept thinking that she made me rub her front butt crack, there was definitely no wee wee there and that this girl has to be fucking nuts. Something is wrong with her. GROSS!! I got home went to my room changed my clothes and sat on my bed staring at the wall. Constantly thinking about what had just happened. I was screaming that Aggie’s Stupid! (over and over and over again) My sister started making fun of me, but not even she could distract me and my mind from replaying not only touching her hoo-ha but her lips against my lips! HOW DISGUSTING! That’s what grown-ups do and I had never even thought about being a part of that, when Mommy and Daddy do it, I simply turn my head and think GROSS! How could she had done THAT?
So the next couple of days I saw Aggie I ignored her. I kept that secret to myself as did she. We never told anyone. But I never wanted to play with her again. Luckily a few later another family moved into a trailer next to her’s (Her Aunt and her family) and they had a little girl the exact same age as Aggie and she never wanted to play with me and Nathan again. We were on our own! We were saved and more importantly we didn’t have to listen or follow Miss Know-It -All’s orders and play whatever she wanted to play. It was heaven! NO GIRLS!! I understood totally why the Little Rascals had the “He Man Woman Haters Club”. It all made sence now. And every time I watched TV – I thought of Darla and how she must feel left out because her wee wee was missing and she couldn’t play with the boys. I didn’t understand what the hell Alfalfa wanted to hang out with her either. Because of all this I hated Alfalfa on that show. He was a dumbass!
After that a couple more times when Nathan and I were doing our running in the woods ritual playing Army and Knights and Kings and things little boys do, we had some pee races of our own. Nothing really happened I just remember that his wee wee and my touching it never grossed me out. Never made me feel like anything was different and one day we sat on a big boulder overlooking the creek and standing there with our wee wees out peeing as far as we could pee side by side, he told me that they were moving. His Daddy got a better job in Lexington and
was it. I said something to the effect of that sucks and that was that. They moved about a week later, just hitching up the trailer and hauling it off. I never saw him or Aggie again. I thought of him often though. I really liked Nathan and I really remember liking our secret of touching each other’s wee wee. I remember from that time in my life that then I started looking at the other boys wee wees in the bathroom more than watching them just pee. Now I look back and I realize when I was knew I was gay.